Wish on my deathbed…

A heart-breaking open letter from a person who just received a call from the other side!!!

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deathbed wish

I am dying at 35 but this is not what is hurting me. What’s painful is that when I look back, I don’t recall 35 memories to cherish!!! The journey has not been worth remembering.

I am not saying I was sad throughout my life, but yes, I always struggled to feel happy. Never had I felt what I realize now, which is the difference between real happiness and materialistic happiness

And the irony is when I have realized it, I cannot be happy. I am dying and practically, I cannot choose happiness. I can only miss happiness. But at least you can… choose it now.

deathbed wish

You might be curious to know what happened suddenly that my life turned upside down?

I am literally into tears to pen it down but I will, just to make you realize that today is my turn, likewise, it can be yours tomorrow. And I don’t want you to die like me, just like that.

Well… nothing much to tell because it was all good a week back. Just a slight pain in my stomach which led to a couple to tests. Huh… to find what?

The final stage of liver cancer with a news…the news that I have a few months, weeks or maybe days left. Hard to live with the fact that I am dying anytime soon.

But wait a minute, is this something new I got to know? Is it really news that I might die soon? Was I not aware of it or rather are ‘we’ not aware that we‘ll die one day?

I am sure even you know about this inevitable truth but there is a difference between you knowing and me knowing it…

The difference is that I can feel it now but I’m not sure you can!!!

Sorry to say this but maybe you die before me, trust me it is possible. I may sound weird so let me back it with a testimony.

About a month back, I heard shocking news that a 40-year-old man from my vicinity has been diagnosed with a final stage brain tumor and he does not have much time left. I know him personally and this news left me shattered. I remember I was saying to my wife that 40 is not an age to die. How could be God so cruel? Ha… never dared to imagine that I am dying before him in my thirties.

Now I am sure you got a pinch of my taste!!! This is how unpredictable life is.

I close my eyes at night more in fear whether they would open to see a morning… sometimes I wonder what is a bigger challenge? To die gracefully or to live gracefully? Because suddenly I see my definition of challenges transforming.
 
I could sense the definition of my success changing, which was once to earn bread, and what is now to earn breaths. I could feel a change in my attitude from ‘let it come’ some time back to ‘let it go’ today. I could sense the perception of my future changing, which was once ‘after 5 years’ to a mere ‘tomorrow’ today. 

But I am hopeful, I guess the only way I should perceive it. 

And when I see the positive side, 

I feel that how adventurous and exciting life would become if everyone realizes that death is always around the corner. And this could be my last breath or my last day. Only then, we would realize the real value of the precious time so that we do what we want to do NOW. And to know the purpose of life, which is to feel the happiness right here right now in the present moment.

I wish I could have lived my life this way, the way of living would have been different. I will die anytime and so will you. It took longer for me to realize and here I ask you when are you going to realize it?

Nowadays, I face moments when I break down. In those weak moments, I get tempted to consider the option of suicide. Yes, the option to choose the time, place and the medium of death seems better than to wait for it in fear. 

But thankfully, at that time, I am always hit by a realization… A realization that my life was always unpredictable. And I am fortunate that something has made me realize it, so what cancer. At least now, I would appreciate what I have got and live every moment to the core. It would not have been possible otherwise.

In this dramatic twist, a quote from “Bob Marley” keeps me boosted which says…

“You never know how strong you are

until

being strong is your only choice.”

Yes… now I’m able to see life above the normal level. It looks different altogether. Looks like a circus where everyone is a cartoon-character playing their role and just waiting… waiting for the play to get over. Everyone appears like sand-heaps of different shapes and sizes at the seashore, standing tall never to realize the tide is around the corner to take them to the gallows.

 

My dear friend, this letter is to make you realize that both of us are on the same boat. But neither of us is the driver of the boat…
It is because even I didn’t know till yesterday about a heartbreaking today that I will die tomorrow…
I wanted to face life eye to eye without realizing that what I am eying is not life but death. You know, my physical appearance always bothered me. But today, when I ask myself that whether is it my physical appearance  I am concerned about?… My soul bursts out into laughter, and its laugh is a brutally honest answer!!!

 

Here I share a few of my heartfelt realizations…

If you are fortunate enough to meet your basic needs of food, clothes, and shelter, you qualify to be happy. And this is where your happiness becomes your choice. Because I have seen people sad or depressed even after owning everything money can buy. I have to accept on my deathbed I was one of them.

On the other hand, I have seen another set of people dancing in the rains unaware of the source of their next meal.

Always remember,
Death never distinguishes between the rich and the poor.

Please flow with every moment. I am not saying that don’t plan… yes, plan your future but not at the cost of today’s happiness. You don’t know what the subsequent moment has in store for you.

A few dimensions in which I failed but I want you to realize it…

  • Stop living life for others- It is your life so please stop killing your originality by becoming a puppet for others.
  • Forgive others- Life is too short for keeping grudges. Forgive to forget and allow their karma to take your revenge.
  • Move on from guilts and regrets– It is human to commit mistakes and errors. Just let it go. Please don’t stick to it to kill your confidence and esteem.
  • Identify the cause if your sadness is prolonged- Sadness is an emotion and there is no problem with it. But if it is over-extended, try to address the problem and rectify it.
  • Stop comparing and competing yourself with others- Everyone is unique in their own way. When you compare and compete with others, you can never bring out the best within you. Please stop it to stay away from jealousy and hatred.
  • Appreciate what you have- Crying over what you don’t have kills the ability to appreciate what you have. This way, you can never be happy. Stop doing it.
  • Do what you got to do NOW- Delay nothing for tomorrow when you can do it now. You are only the controller of your now, not the next moment, remember it. 

My final words before I bid adieu…

When you are cursing your luck over problems, big or small, you don’t realize how lucky you are to just breathe. Just remember that your life-clock is ticking even when your wristwatch is dead. And just like your wristwatch which stops ticking unexpectedly, so can your life-clock. Sink into your mind that Delaying happiness is Denying happiness!!!

My dear friend, trust this friend who is expressing these feelings…Maybe I am not close enough to you, but yes I’m trustworthy enough not to lie on my deathbed. Because I lastly hope that your last wish should never start with ‘I wish I could have’. 

Stop living a life which people want you to live, but for yourself and for the ones who love you unconditionally. Please stop dying before you die, die only when there is no fear of death!!!

Please… Please… Please…

Stop counting your breaths

and

make sure you make the breaths count.