Is your mind crumbling under the pressure to deliver for your loved ones?
Are you choking for breath under the fear of society and relationships judging your every move?
Is your unworthy job or shaming unemployment raising serious allegations on your capabilities, and you cannot get over your self-judgments?
Or maybe you have everything you desire, but there’s still a void, an emptiness obscuring the clarity, and the gray follows where you have no answers to your monkey mind.
If you are any of the many of us, exhale out your loneliness as it’s not only your story.
And we don’t have to commit suicide to get ourselves heard.
Yes I used the word Suicide because this is how far depressive thoughts take us sometimes, till the edge of an end.
I promise we shall overcome it together.
How does depression feel like?
Although there are different types of depression, I’ll try to express that generic feeling in depression I encounter in bouts at uncertain intervals.
In my experience, depression feels like:
someone is sitting inside my head constantly judging.
a burden to live for the people who are toying with my emotions to fulfill their undue expectations.
a loser who never was, and will never be worthy enough.
a rat who wants to hide in a hole where society can’t see.
pain is endless suffering.
Even if there is no reason to feel sad, I cannot find any reason to feel happy.
The quandary elevates further where feelings enter the void and there are no expressions at all.
That’s when I’m convinced the life on the other side is better.
Ouch! it hurts to accept this, but that’s how the face of depression looks like in the form of prolonged sorrow turning on the gloominess where joy seems beyond reach.
Trails of recovery in broken pieces
This is an interesting detail of what happened after an intense suicidal thought.
In the silence of the dark, when I thought it’s all over, there was a flash of nostalgic memories sending a cool breeze to the face of divine soul.
I felt absolute peace ever
While eying death as close, my stress, fear, anxiety, sorrow, suffering, possessions, identifications, all suddenly dropped completely.
It was the lightest I ever felt.
I don’t know how, but a wave grew out of the blue that swept all the temporary dwellings, each false projection of mind.
I sensed freedom, and that provoked a nothing-to-lose attitude that was ready to accept the now and welcome the new.
Now I was not wandering unconsciously inside the illusionary boundaries of mind.
There was a will to taste every challenge without a drop of complacency.
I was singing on the rocks, dancing in the mountains, so to speak.
I was feeling my soul beyond thoughts and emotions.
It was an experience where I was celebrating my breaths like a comeback from something as devastating as a suicidal thought.
I was feeling it, the inhales, and the exhales, sinking deeper with each conscious breath.
Yes the power of now was magical as everything was flowing effortlessly then and there.
Those moments transpired a recovery.
Unlike before, I don’t live in the smugness of realized success more than just to dream about it.
It’s difficult, but I’m trying.
I am learning the art of being in now with surrender and acceptance.
I didn’t give up my desires, infact they grew more, but there is less ego attached.
The best transformation I feel is:
I never mind reaching a zero, just know how to crawl up.
Well that was my experience when a found a purpose to talk about the unapparent wounds never addressed in school materials or home tuitions.
Let’s talk
Mental health is rarely a topic of conversation with parents, friends, and colleagues.
Sometimes it is about the lack of courage, sometimes the lack of expression.
And the unapparent is unsung while true feelings dying in the gut of the soul.
We cannot express our mental health because of many reasons:
Sometimes we don’t find words to express fearing people’s judgments.
Sometimes it’s our unheard silence that denies the trust for the other.
And most of the time, it’s the lack of self-awareness where we cannot acknowledge our own thoughts and emotions, so cannot vent out.
Eventually, a vulnerable yet unique voice is lost in the heart of the unknown.
The progressive approach
Now when we don’t find anyone to rewire our minds, let’s accept the responsibility to configure it ourselves.
This is not my or your problem alone, don’t worry we are in millions.
In general‚ about 1 out of every 6 adults will have depression at some time in their life.
And there’s nothing to feel ashamed of.
Listen dear, maybe you screwed a loving relationship, or you still not earning when your old school buddies are prolific entrepreneurs or corporate heads.
Maybe you are failing repeatedly and the hopelessness is seeping in, or say the worst (which I never wish), you experience an untimely death of your loved one.
But be it whatever mate, suicide is never a proof of depression.
Remember the best part about falling down is we can only rise.
Lao-tzu once observed:
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”
This is what we have to do.
Take a little first step to offer one thing to ourselves we always seek outside — Love.
Come on dear! Let’s offer a little love to ourselves over our self-judgments.
Break the taboo
The theme for World Mental Day 2020, as per the World Federation for Mental health (WFMH) is “Mental health for all: Greater Investment – Greater Access”.
We hear less of mental health.
They never taught about it.
So we never talk about it.
Time to step up and express our true vulnerability, not only for our sanity but also for the ones who cannot speak.
The journey is tough, and the outside triggers keep on tapping the unconscious thoughts.
But we need to hold on, as those are just false mind projections.
It reminds one of my favorite dialogues from the movie Rocky Balboa:
It’s not about how hard you can hit, it’s about how hard you get hit and still keep moving forward.
I feel the one who bullies, and the one who is bullied, both need to change.
And as we get into the habit of taking a stand for our weird originality, fear of people’s judgments dissolves.
Let’s initiate talking about our vulnerable but true expressions and kick the stigma around mental health right on its butt.
