Yes, I am turning 30 in a week. Don’t know how to perceive it. Unable to understand whether to feel happy or to feel sad… Don’t know whether it is encouraging or disheartening? Don’t know whether to celebrate or to cry? Just not able to sink-in the feeling of entering the “club 30”.
This may be because I feel that at least in India, the teenagers want themselves to be called men and not a child. And for that, they eagerly wait to leave the teenage and enter the world of the twenties. And surprisingly, the ones who are in their thirties also want to relive their twenties. So you see…the period of the twenties is one golden and an adventurous phase sought not only by the teenagers but also by the ones in their thirties.
And yes, the same is happening to me. Leaving my twenties is quite a heavy feeling. This new beginning marks the end of a tipsy-topsy yet worth-remembering decade.
Most of us fear the new and I am no different. I am apprehensive about it!!!
But what exactly is the reason behind it, I’m not able to figure out. Is that the beautiful memories of my twenties or the feel of worthlessness reaching the thirties?
I have money, I have a beautiful family, I am working fine, both my physical and the mental appearance is fine, I have everything a person can ask for, but I am just not up for it. Don’t know what is wrong with me?
What am I fearing, what do I want, why am I apprehensive…Why am I not able to take pride in turning 30? What is bothering me?
Locks without keys…questions without answers.
Is it the professional lag I wish to destroy or is the entertainment I shall miss on turning 30?
Well, I guess it is a mixture of both. But the ironical part is that in both the conditions, I don’t want to leave this phase. I have some confessions to make both personally and professionally.
Let’s find out the particular reasons behind my uncertainties…
If you ask about my professional sphere…
Maybe, the reason why am I reluctant to reach the 30 is that I feel I could have done better with the phase of the twenties. And I still have a lot to achieve before I reach this stage. I feel I lag behind when it comes to achieving my goals.
Sometimes, I even feel like a loser. When I look back, I don’t recall a beautiful past. Life has not been a fairy tale for me even after having everything a man needs to be happy. If I die a natural death which I suppose is 60, half of my life is over. But I still don’t know where my life is leading to.
Read in a study somewhere that people get prone to a heart attack after they reach 30. Now see, even studies are indicating that my end is near. Hahaha…No, seriously these things have started tickling my mind. You know why? Because if I die today, what will the people remember me for? Have I done anything worth remembering thus far? Wow..some serious questions huh?
If you ask about my personal sphere…
I cannot look at the beautiful girls, don’t feel young enough to booze in the car with the full bass on. And you know what, the feeling of getting called an uncle is disgusting. (I had to accept that). I cannot participate in many competitions from this year failing to fall under the category 16-30. Really tough to handle these psychological barriers…
Oh wait, my confessions are not over yet. There is also a people’s not-to-do list for me I am expected to follow…
I am expected not to enjoy the rains, not to dance out of madness. I am expected not to get up early morning for the cricket matches as it can raise a question on my professional seriousness. I am expected not to commit mistakes and errors. I am denied the experimentations with my career options because they feel I am too old for that. Whatnot, even my career graph is getting judged.
I am expected to behave a lot more responsible and a lot more mature…the dreaded word ‘mature’ which I always fear being called. I am still a kid at heart and I don’t know how to deal with the maturity. I had the freedom to express my heart out but now I am expected to think before I speak. And you know, this is all because I am turning 30.
And for my loved ones who have started judging me now…here’s a quote for you below…
Ahem ahem!!! How’s the quote for a strong realization?
Maybe I am taking these things too seriously but honestly, these thoughts are not making a soothing sound in my mind.
I don’t know what am I seeking? Having confessed all of these, don’t know where this conversation is heading. Not sure about the end either. Just keeping my fingers crossed for a beautiful journey on turning 30.
So yes, it is not only the bad I am anticipating…If I am losing on a few things, rest assured I am winning many. There are some happy realizations as well en route this milestone.
Time for some Happy Realizations…
I feel a lot more blissful with a lot of answered questions about myself which were once mysteries. I have started knowing myself bigger and better.
After leading a materialistic life, I believe that I am ready to taste the real happiness. Now I am inculcating enough patience to understand that the phase of my twenties was my most successful failure.
I have not yet achieved anything does not mean that I will not. After failing throughout, I am sure that success is somewhere around the corner. And I will get what I deserve. Yes, I am gradually learning how important it is to respect the ‘time zone’. I am realizing that neither I am early nor I am late. I am right on time.
Maybe, I should start realizing that the upcoming phase is neither an achievement nor is it a loss.
A quote from “Benjamin Franklin” defines the irony of turning 30…or 40, 50 or even 60…
“Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until 75.”
I am happy that at least I don’t fall under this category. I am brave enough to accept all of these and I will make sure that I get buried only when I die.
Because even if you are the one in your forties, you might crave for the thirties, the one entering the fifties might not want to leave their forties, and so on…This is how we are wired…right?
Suddenly, when I recall my teenager, I used to say that the childhood days are the best. No fear of career, exams, money…literally nothing. That means that I was not happy even in my twenties.
And that sums it all…
It is the not the teenage, the twenties, thirties, forties, fifties or the sixties which define your happiness. Happiness is independent of time, situation and things. Let us stop relating anything to the past failures or the things we couldn’t achieve…
The reality is we are in the now, this is what we have got, and this is what we have to live with. It is the present moment which will stay with us until our last breath. Let us start rejoicing it and bid a wonderful farewell to the passing time.
Let us live every moment, let us lose but make sure we give a try before losing, let us fail but make sure we fail with no regrets. Let us eliminate the feeling of ‘I would have’ or ‘I could have’ from our lives. Or else the story would remain the same even after reaching the forties, fifties and the sixties. We shall always remain empty from the inside, irrespective of how full we look from outside.
My composition…”All I want is my shade of grey” says it all.
I don’t need a palace, I don’t desire wealth, all I need is my shade of grey
Don’t want the highs of sky, don’t want to dig the gold, all I need is my shade of grey
I don’t aim to reach the nintees, I don’t fear death in the thirties, all I need is my shade of grey
I don’t want countless meals, I don’t desire to walk on the heels, all I need is my shade of grey
I don’t want a hundred friends, I just fear the loneliness, all
I need is my shade of grey
I don’t intend to change my past, I don’t want to wary my future, all I need is my shade of grey
~ my happiness is my shade of grey
Is turning 30 really such big havoc that we create or is it just our insecurities talking? Is it really the people’s opinion bothering us or is it our opinion of ourselves? Let us answer our questions ourselves and most importantly, make sure we find our “shade of grey.”