Tag: overcome depression

Is your mind crumbling under the pressure to deliver for your loved ones? Are you choking for breath under the fear of society and relationships judging your every move? Is your unworthy job or shaming unemployment raising serious allegations on your capabilities, and you cannot get over your self-judgments? Or maybe you have everything you desire, but there's still a void, an emptiness obscuring the clarity, and the gray follows where you have no answers to your monkey mind. If you are any of the many of us, exhale out your loneliness as it's not only your story.  And we don’t have to commit suicide to get ourselves heard. Yes I used the word Suicide because this is how far depressive thoughts take us sometimes, till the edge of an end.  I promise we shall overcome it together. How does depression feel like?  Although there are different types of depression, I'll try to express that generic feeling in depression I encounter in bouts at uncertain intervals. In my experience, depression feels like: someone is sitting inside my head constantly judging.  a burden to live for the people who are toying with my emotions to fulfill their undue expectations. a loser who never was, and will never be worthy enough. a rat who wants to hide in a hole where society can’t see. pain is endless suffering. Even if there is no reason to feel sad, I cannot find any reason to feel happy. The quandary elevates further where feelings enter the void and there are no expressions at all. That's when I’m convinced the life on the other side is better. Ouch! it hurts to accept this, but that’s how the face of depression looks like in the form of prolonged sorrow turning on the gloominess where joy seems beyond reach. Trails of recovery in broken pieces This is an interesting detail of what happened after an intense suicidal thought. In the silence of the dark, when I thought it's all over, there was a flash of nostalgic memories sending a cool breeze to the face of divine soul.  I felt absolute peace ever While eying death as close, my stress, fear, anxiety, sorrow, suffering, possessions, identifications, all suddenly dropped completely. It was the lightest I ever felt.  I don't know how, but a wave grew out of the blue that swept all the temporary dwellings, each false projection of mind. I sensed freedom, and that provoked a nothing-to-lose attitude that was ready to accept the now and welcome the new. Now I was not wandering unconsciously inside the illusionary boundaries of mind. There was a will to taste every challenge without a drop of complacency. I was singing on the rocks, dancing in the mountains, so to speak. I was feeling my soul beyond thoughts and emotions. It was an experience where I was celebrating my breaths like a comeback from something as devastating as a suicidal thought. I was feeling it, the inhales, and the exhales, sinking deeper with each conscious breath. Yes the power of now was magical as everything was flowing effortlessly then and there. Those moments transpired a recovery. Unlike before, I don't live in the smugness of realized...

How did I slip into depression? I was super-sensitive to every emotion, irrespective positive or negative. I didn’t know where to draw the line.  Positive triggers like success, appreciation, love, took me all over to the moon. And the negative forces of failure, criticism, hatred, left deep bruises on my mind. Success made me feel like an invincible winner, while the failures, the biggest loser. My ability to feel emotions strongly was a boon in my lovely childhood and teenage days. That's because the situations back then triggered positive emotions. I didn't know the meaning of negativity, leave apart feeling it.  But after then, it was a complete turnaround. It was not a tragedy or a loss. Nothing major happened, but it was just a gradual accumulation of negative emotions, which turned my life upside down. It was such a slow process I never realized till I drowned under the depth of countless thoughts. What led to my downfall?  It was that vulnerable age I was standing in the outset of an uncertain future. I had no answers to my question- What Next? It was the early twenties —dreams and ambitions like every other, with an upbeat to pursue the best career. But every beat was falling flat. I was unable to find the best walk ahead. This dilemma lasted for unusually long, and I felt insecure for the first time. My alter ego sunk to the all-time low. I stopped loving myself, and others. Suddenly, everyone looked hostile. It was the phase when instances provoking negative emotions completely outnumbered the ones fuelling positive emotions.  I was losing my self-worth as the negative thoughts attacked my vulnerable mind in unison. And the hole was dug too deep for my mind to breathe, and it submerged under the countless thoughts.  I was down and under and finally fell prey to depression.  I consulted a doctor (precisely psychiatrist) who prescribed the conventional antidepressants. Those pills comforted my mind initially, but never did I realize that it was the dawn of worse things to follow. Alcohol lured my mind to elusive happiness The antidepressants, after a while, had stopped soothing. The freshness of mind had turned into an impossible dream. Not finding shoulders to lean on, I got lured by Alcohol’s friendship offer. It accompanied my lonely nights, promised me a fairyland every night but pushed me to the bleak reality every subsequent morning. I diluted alcohol for some time, but within no time, it started diluting my potent self. My poor mind was as helpless as a lamb in the hands of a butcher. It continued for 2 long years... the same hungover morning giving way to alcoholic nights. From a soulful being to a feelingless creature, I was losing everything. And if it would have continued, I couldn’t write this soulful note. A twist in the tale Alcohol could have been my last chapter but destiny had something else in the store. Jaundice infected my liver those days, giving way to the need for mindful eating and drinking. And yes, neither antidepressants nor alcohol was on the menu. The upcoming days were the...