Tag: slip into depression

How did I slip into depression? I was super-sensitive to every emotion, irrespective positive or negative. I didn’t know where to draw the line.  Positive triggers like success, appreciation, love, took me all over to the moon. And the negative forces of failure, criticism, hatred, left deep bruises on my mind. Success made me feel like an invincible winner, while the failures, the biggest loser. My ability to feel emotions strongly was a boon in my lovely childhood and teenage days. That's because the situations back then triggered positive emotions. I didn't know the meaning of negativity, leave apart feeling it.  But after then, it was a complete turnaround. It was not a tragedy or a loss. Nothing major happened, but it was just a gradual accumulation of negative emotions, which turned my life upside down. It was such a slow process I never realized till I drowned under the depth of countless thoughts. What led to my downfall?  It was that vulnerable age I was standing in the outset of an uncertain future. I had no answers to my question- What Next? It was the early twenties —dreams and ambitions like every other, with an upbeat to pursue the best career. But every beat was falling flat. I was unable to find the best walk ahead. This dilemma lasted for unusually long, and I felt insecure for the first time. My alter ego sunk to the all-time low. I stopped loving myself, and others. Suddenly, everyone looked hostile. It was the phase when instances provoking negative emotions completely outnumbered the ones fuelling positive emotions.  I was losing my self-worth as the negative thoughts attacked my vulnerable mind in unison. And the hole was dug too deep for my mind to breathe, and it submerged under the countless thoughts.  I was down and under and finally fell prey to depression.  I consulted a doctor (precisely psychiatrist) who prescribed the conventional antidepressants. Those pills comforted my mind initially, but never did I realize that it was the dawn of worse things to follow. Alcohol lured my mind to elusive happiness The antidepressants, after a while, had stopped soothing. The freshness of mind had turned into an impossible dream. Not finding shoulders to lean on, I got lured by Alcohol’s friendship offer. It accompanied my lonely nights, promised me a fairyland every night but pushed me to the bleak reality every subsequent morning. I diluted alcohol for some time, but within no time, it started diluting my potent self. My poor mind was as helpless as a lamb in the hands of a butcher. It continued for 2 long years... the same hungover morning giving way to alcoholic nights. From a soulful being to a feelingless creature, I was losing everything. And if it would have continued, I couldn’t write this soulful note. A twist in the tale Alcohol could have been my last chapter but destiny had something else in the store. Jaundice infected my liver those days, giving way to the need for mindful eating and drinking. And yes, neither antidepressants nor alcohol was on the menu. The upcoming days were the...